(originally pulled together over at Medium.com from a tweet thread)

It’s #WorldMentalHealthDay and I want to share something with y’all. Hopefully I won’t regret this. I have depression and anxiety. Ever since losing my day job, it’s gotten worse. The stress of keeping @INeedDivGms afloat hasn’t helped.

A few years ago, I was on the edge and contemplated suicide. Obviously I didn’t but I was at that point. I don’t talk about it a lot because…I feel that people don’t get it. It makes them uncomfortable and they deflect quickly. I’m also an introvert despite what some people think. Going to conventions and being “on”, around people is exhausting.

There are plenty of days where I struggle to get out of bed, where I try to find a reason to bother. Sometimes I don’t. Other times I get, dust myself off and keep going but it’s hard when it seems there’s a void following you everywhere you go.

Comic by Sylvie Reuter, on depression

I also don’t talk about this much because I’ve failed at therapy, twice now. Did meds once because I had anxiety attacks. Also lost a “friend” when I opened up about my own journey with therapy. Grew up with idea that it was “white folks shit”.

Which I know is bullshit, now. Growing up? Not so much. It took a lot to try therapy. First attempt was terrible, second wasn’t bad but I never connected with her or any therapist. I’m cynical and felt like I was paying for a fake friend not help.

So yeah things are not always bright and happy behind the curtain. It’s hard to talk about without wondering who’ll turn away, fear is real. Anyway, that’s my #WorldMentalHealthDay ramble. Know you’re not alone, you’re important and loved by someone. ❤

Published by cypheroftyr

Tanya DePass is the founder and Director of I Need Diverse Games, a non-profit organization based in Chicago, which is dedicated to better diversification of all aspects of gaming. I Need Diverse Games serves the community by supporting marginalized developers attend the Game Developer Conference by participating in the GDC Scholarship program, helps assist attendance at other industry events, and is seeking partnership with organizations and initiatives. Tanya is a lifelong Chicagoan who loves everything about gaming, #INeedDiverseGames spawn point, and wants to make it better and more inclusive for everyone. She founded and was the EIC of Fresh Out of Tokens podcast where games culture was discussed and viewed through a lense of feminism, intersectionality and diversity. Now she’s a co-host on Spawn on Me Podcast. Along with all of that, she’s the Programming Coordinator for OrcaCon, she often speaks on issues of diversity, feminism, race, intersectionality & other topics at multiple conventions throughout the year. Her writing about games and games critique appears in Uncanny Magazine, Polygon, Wiscon Chronicles, Vice Gaming, Paste Games, Mic, and other publications.