‘American Idol’ returns: Fox, here’s how to make it bearable

Memo

To: Peter Liguori, entertainment chairman of Fox; Kevin Reilly, entertainment president of Fox, and to the producers of “American Idol”

From: The people who have to endure your show

OK, let’s face facts. We know that “American Idol” will once again dominate the TV landscape for the next five months (the show premieres at 7 p.m. Tuesday and Wednesday on WFLD-Ch. 32, with auditions in Philadelphia). It’s inevitable, especially because the current writers strike has made scripted programming scarce. That means “Idol” will have even less competition than usual.

But as you sit in your executive offices counting the gigantic stacks of cash you will make from this competition in 2008, spare a thought for the viewers. Here are a few ways to make this round of “Idol” bearable for the millions who’ll find themselves watching it at some point, possibly against their will.

• Do not allow the “Idol” finale to go eight or nine minutes past its stated ending time. Do you hear me, Mr. Liguori and Mr. Reilly? When last year’s “Idol” finale went way past its allotted time slot — after two hours of witless filler — that was an unforgivable display of arrogance, and it meant that those who recorded it missed the conclusion. Frankly, even “Idol” can’t afford that, considering that live viewership of the show slipped last year. Regarding the bloated, embarrassing finale, not everyone watched it live, and I heard from many furious viewers when they (and their upset kids) didn’t get to see Jordin Sparks’ coronation as “Idol” champ. Do you really want to face the wrath of millions of viewers who didn’t get to see who won — again?
• Don’t invite Bette Midler back. How much pain do you expect us to endure, anyway? Midler’s a fine singer normally, but she was way off her game the night of the finale, and she was just one of seemingly dozens of performers who didn’t need to be there. I know “Idol” specializes in pointless filler, especially during the finales, but last year that tendency went too far.
• Try not to make fun of the mentally ill. Really. “Idol” relentlessly plays up the delusions of bad singers to elicit cheap laughs, but when it comes to people who appear to be mentally ill, that’s sick. Other contestants appear to be developmentally challenged, and the show is on dangerous ground when it goes too far and mocks these people. It’s pathetic for such a powerful franchise to make fun of those who deserve compassion, even if their singing is poor. The sight of the “Idol” judges, particularly Simon Cowell, making fun of these people is not funny. It’s also just wrong.
• Try not to pull on our heartstrings until they snap. At the end of last season, “Idol” executive producer Nigel Lythgoe told the Tribune that “we got carried away a bit this year with the [celebrity] mentors. I think we didn’t really get to know the contestants as well as we normally do. … I think we, as an audience, invest more when we know them a little better.” Fine, but please don’t inundate us with dozens of tragic life stories — especially if the people attached to those stories can’t sing.
• Try to keep the Paula Abdul’s meltdowns to a minimum. It’s not that the judges’ antics can’t be amusing at times, but Paula’s emotional histrionics have become particularly predictable, almost as predictable as Randy Jackson saying “dawg” and Cowell rolling his eyes.
• Don’t inflict too many Sanjayas on us. As Lythgoe said last year, controversial singer Sanjaya Malakar “kept the series going for three or four weeks there when there wasn’t much else to talk about.” True, and a few of his wacky hairstyles were distracting for a couple of minutes. But when a singer’s hairstyles, no matter how bizarre, can no longer hide his lack of talent, it’s time for him to go.
• Don’t inflict too many overly polished, robotic singers on us. There’s speculation on the Internet that several of this year’s top 50 singers worked professionally in the entertainment business or have been signed to record contracts in the past. There is promise that things won’t be all bland, all the time, however: In a phone conference with reporters, Cowell compared some of the leading “Idol” contenders “to a lot of artists that you see on the Internet now who are kind of doing their own thing. And they have a certain quirkiness, and they have their own style, rather than [being] just a ton of talented puppets, for want of a better word.”

Got all that, Fox? I hope so. This strike-depleted TV schedule is yours to dominate. Don’t abuse your power, mmm-kay?