I laughed so hard I cried… crack-fic re-write of the DH Epilogue. Spoilers of coures

This is how Deathly Hallows should have ended! Warning, re-written Spoilery DH epilogue crack-fic ahoy.

For those that don’t want to click, the crack-fic is after the jump.

WARNING: DH SPOILERS!

 

SUMMARY: SLASH! PARODY!  You’ve all read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. But for those who crave an unauthorized, uncensored view of what really happened during the final book’s epilogue – nineteen years after Harry’s saucy, slashy romp at Hogwarts – read on…

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I’d like to extend a special thanks to daylyn for her unfailing help and support with this fic. 

 

WARNING: DH SPOILERS!

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Epilogue

NINETEEN YEARS LATER

Autumn seemed to arrive suddenly that year. The morning of the first of September was crisp and golden as an apple, and as the little family bobbed across the rumbling road toward the great sooty station, the fumes of car exhausts and the breath of pedestrians sparkled like cobwebs in the cold air.

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Harry snarled, entering King’s Cross station. He looked slovenly and ragged, with torn jeans, a dirty sweatshirt, and his infamous unkempt hair decidedly unwashed.

“It’s poetic,” Ginny retorted, guiding her three children into the station. “Not that you would have an appreciation for artistic expression.”

Harry glared at his wife, then turned and shuffled toward platform nine and three-quarters.

“Scourgify,” Ginny muttered, pointing her wand at Harry’s back.

“How dare you!” Harry barked.

“I will not have you embarrass our youngest son on his first day at Hogwarts,” Ginny yelled.

“Here they go again,” James whispered to Albus-Severus and Lily. The other siblings nodded.

“You think I’m an embarrassment to my children?” Harry screeched.

“Well if you’d actually get a job, then no!”

James led Lily and Albus-Severus onto the platform while their parents continued to argue.

“I haven’t worked a day in nineteen years!” Harry bellowed. “Why should I start now?”

Ginny pulled out a flask of firewhiskey and took a long swig. “Because we live in a fucking tent in Hyde Park, Harry!”

“It’s a luxurious tent!” Harry insisted, lighting up a cigarette and blowing smoke rings at his wife.  “Besides, I grew up in a cupboard, so it’s a huge improvement.”

“Well I was raised in a house!” Ginny snapped. “I expected better for my children!”

“You call that run-down shack a house?”

“FUCK YOU!”

Ginny took another swig of firewhiskey as Harry put out his cigarette. She looked around and saw half of King’s Cross station staring at them. Everyone around them quickly turned away and pretended not to be watching.

“FUCK ALL OF YOU!” she shouted.

“Shall we go, honey?” Harry asked, gesturing toward the entrance to platform nine and three-quarters.

Ginny glared at her husband and stormed onto the platform. Harry followed. When they crossed the magical barrier, they saw James and Albus-Severus arguing about whether Albus was going to be sorted into Slytherin.

“I only said he might be in Slytherin,” said James, grinning at his younger brother.

“Your father’s been in several Slytherins,” Ginny muttered.

“Jealous?” Harry asked, giving his backside a swish.

“Not particularly,” his wife replied, taking another swig from her flask. “You’re not all that and a bucket of butterbeer, Harry.”

“What’re you talking about?” Ron argued, joining the conversation. “Harry has an eight-inch cock.”

Hermione’s jaw dropped. Ron blushed madly and then staggered into his two children, Rose and Hugo, knocking Hugo over. Ginny looked unfazed.

“I mean… er… when I was Harry… you know… Polyjuice…” Ron stammered, “I… er… became aware of… um… his… equipment.”

“It’s all right, Ron,” Hermione said, putting her arm around Harry. “We’ve all tasted Harry before.”

“NOT MY HUSBAND, YOU BITCH!” Ginny roared, slapping Hermione hard across the face.

“AS IF YOU WERE A VIRGIN WHEN YOU MARRIED HARRY,” Hermione hollered, decking Ginny and wrestling her to the ground. “REMEMBER NEVILLE? AT THE YULE BALL?”

“Neville? Does she mean Professor Longbottom?” Albus-Severus asked his father.

Harry nodded.

“No wonder Mum wanted us to give our love to him.”

Harry pulled his youngest son aside. “Albus-Severus, you are named after the two greatest headmasters at Hogwarts. I gave my love to both of them repeatedly.”

Albus-Severus’s eyes widened. “Can I board the train now, Dad?” he asked. “Please?”

“Yeah, can I go, too?” Lily asked. “I can’t take another two years of this shit.”

Harry was about to respond when he saw Draco Malfoy standing over in the corner near his wife and son. Draco’s hairline was receding. Harry looked horrified.

“I can’t believe you’re… b-b-b-balding,” Harry stammered. Draco nodded curtly and gestured toward the two people beside him.

“This is my son Scorpius and my wife Goyle.”

Ginny and Hermione stopped wrestling and looked over at Draco in horror. Standing next to him was Goyle, wearing red lipstick, high heels and a body-hugging, floral-print tube dress. Scorpius look absolutely mortified.

“Oh dear God,” Harry uttered, lighting another cigarette.

“You can say that again,” Ginny said, climbing to her feet and take a huge swig from her flask.

“Well at least Goyle was willing to commit, Harry,” Malfoy hissed, slapping Goyle firmly on the ass.

“Ow, you bitch,” Goyle squealed, clearly enjoying it.

Ron helped Hermione to her feet. She nodded in appreciation and then looked over at Malfoy and Scorpius. “But how…” she asked, clearly puzzled.

“MPreg,” Draco said. “J.K. secretly reads fanfiction.”

Scorpius hurried away from his parents and approached Albus-Severus.

“I can’t believe they named me Scorpius,” he whined.

“Would you rather be named Hugo? Or Victoire?” Albus-Severus asked.

“Or Albus-Severus?” Hugo added smugly.

Scorpius looked distraught. Rose approached him.

“Cheer up,” she said. “At least you don’t have a sister named Aquarius.”

“No, she’s named Virgius, which is worse,” Scorpius pouted. Suddenly, he noticed Hugo’s flaming red hair under the lamplight.

“I like ginger hair,” he said, approaching Hugo.

Ron’s eyes widened. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Everyone looked at Ron strangely. There was an awkward silence.  Crickets could be heard in the background.  Ron blushed.

“But I like AS/S more,” Scorpius added, breaking the silence.  He pinched Albus-Severus on his rear end.

Albus-Severus blushed and stepped nervously behind Lily. She rolled her eyes.

“You’re not the only one who likes ass,” Ginny added, taking another swig from her flask and glancing over at Harry. “My husband’s patronus is a stag and his former potion master’s was a doe. I can do the math, honey.”

“How dare you disrespect the dead!” Harry shrieked. “After all this time, I will ALWAYS remember Severus as the bravest, raunchiest bottom I’ve ever… um…”

Hermione approached Harry. “Don’t worry, Harry. Ron likes ass, too,” she said. “He keeps telling me ‘Oops, wrong hole’ is a kinky Wizard Sex game, but it’s not listed in Hogwarts: A History under Ministry-approved mating practices.”

Ron stumbled backwards into the train in horror.

“Did somebody say ‘Oops, wrong hole’?” George asked, strolling by wearing a studded leather daddy outfit with a spiked collar and leading the scantly-clad ghost of his brother Fred by a magical leash. The Resurrection Stone was prominently displayed on George’s ring finger. “We love to play with holes, right Freddie?”

George cracked a magical whip on Fred’s exposed arse. Fred nodded and began panting like a dog.  Ron fainted.  As Ron regained consciousness, George led Fred away.

Suddenly James ran over from the other side of the platform.

“Our Teddy,” he gasped. “Teddy Lupin! Shagging our Victoire! Our cousin! And I asked Teddy what he was doing –”

“You interrupted them?” Ginny said. “You are so like Ron.”

Ron blushed again.  Hermione helped him climb to his feet.

“Um… is Victoire a man or a woman?” Scorpius asked.

“It’s actually a hermaphrodite,” Draco said, smirking.

Hermione shot him a menacing glare. “(S)he’s an intersex individual, Malfoy.”

Harry smacked Draco on the back of his head. 

“Ow!” Draco said, grabbing his wand. 

“That’s my cousin you’re talking about,” Harry warned, grabbing his wand as well.

Hermione grinned.  Draco, Goyle and Scorpius glared at Harry.

“Do I detect… sexual tension?” Ginny asked. 

“Ya think?” James, Lily and Albus-Severus responded in unison. 

Harry and Draco put their wands away.  Teddy Lupin approached from the distance. 

“Harry, may I ask you something?” Teddy said, as he drew near.

“Yes, you can move in with us,” Harry replied. “Actually you can share my bed because my wife would love to sleep on the living room sofa.”

“You want to fuck my nephew, you piece of shit?!” Ginny screeched, taking another swig of firewhiskey. “And for the record, we don’t have a living room. We live in a fucking tent!”

“As if you haven’t been shagging my cousin Dudley, you filthy wretch!” Harry shrieked, lighting another cigarette. “And yes, the North-East corner of our tent IS our living room!”

“We’re growing up dysfunctional!” Lily complained. James, Albus-Severus, Rose, Hugo and Scorpius nodded in agreement.   Everyone else ignored them.

“That wasn’t… what I wanted.” Teddy said, trying to get Harry’s attention.

Harry turned to him. “No? Then… what is it?”

“I want to know… how my parents died,” he said, a tear trickling down his cheek. “My therapist said that the only way I can move past my devastating loss is to know what happened.  I need to know every detail.  Please.”

“Umm… well they… er… died in… battle,” Harry said, putting out his cigarette. 

“And…” Teddy asked.

“It was really a great death. And they were very… er… dead.” Harry gave Ginny, Ron, Hermione and Draco a pleading look. They all shrugged.

Tears streamed down Teddy’s face.  “Did my parents die madly in love with each other?” he asked.

“Actually, your father told me that marrying your mum was a grave mista—“

Hermione smacked Harry.  “Of course they died in love each other,” she insisted.  “It’s not like Remus knocked Tonks up and was forced to have a shot-gun wedding, right, Harry?”

“Oh… of course… right,” Harry lied.

Hermione conjured up a white handkerchief and gave it to Teddy.  He wiped his tears away. 

Suddenly, a sexy black-haired witch with flaming red eyes and a bad nose job approached them, her eyes fixed firmly on Harry.

“Who’s that?” he asked, instinctively reaching for his wand.

“It’s Voldette,” Teddy said. “She’s the bastard love child of Luna Lovegood and the Dark Lord. I used to date Voldette during my fifth year and now she sends Nargles to perform the Cruciatus curse on all of my girlfriends.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Victoire’s high-pitched scream echoed throughout the platform.

“See,” Teddy said.

Voldette stood inches away from Harry. “I hear you pack a big deathstick,” she cooed seductively. “Can you whip it out?”

Ginny started laughing hysterically, spilling firewhiskey everywhere.  Harry turned bright red and elbowed his wife.  She grimaced at him.  

“Maybe some other time,” Voldette said, winking at Harry. She turned and boarded the Hogwart’s Express.

James, Albus-Severus, Rose, Teddy and Scorpius all quickly boarded the train after her. Lily stayed behind, looking distraught.

A great number of students were hanging out of the windows facing Harry.

“Why are they all staring?” Albus-Severus demanded.

“THEY’RE STARING AT ME!” Ron announced.

There was an awkward silence. Crickets could be heard in the background.  Draco smirked.

“Let’s go, Ron,” Hermione said, looking thoroughly humiliated.  She quickly led her husband and son off of the platform.

“GOOD RIDDANCE, BITCH!” Ginny cried out after her. “STAY AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND!”

“Shut it, you alcoholic shrew!” Harry said. “I’ve had enough of your mouth for one lifetime.”

The train began to move. Draco and Goyle waved goodbye to their son and left the platform.

Ginny took another swig of firewhiskey.  “Am I embarrassing you, honey?” she asked her husband.

“Embarrassing me? You’ve humiliated me one too many times. I want a divorce!”

“YOU WANT A DIVORCE?” Ginny shrieked.

“Here they go again,” James said, waving good bye to his parents from the train. Albus-Severus shook his head in disbelief. Lily left her parents’ side and began sprinting toward the moving train.

“Wait for me,” Lily yelled.

“I want a BLOODY divorce!” Harry said defiantly to Ginny.

“FUCK YOU, HARRY!” Ginny screeched. “I BORE YOUR THREE CHILDREN! I LET YOU DROP OUT OF SCHOOL AND BE A VAGABOND FOR NINETEEN YEARS! I RAISED OUR FAMILY IN A FUCKING TENT!”

Lily leapt onto the moving train. Her siblings pulled her into the train car.

“I LET YOU SQUANDER YOUR INHERITANCE CHASING EVERY USED PIECE OF WIZARDING ARSE YOU COULD GET YOUR HANDS ON!” Ginny shouted. “I TOLERATED YOUR BULLSHIT FOR TOO LONG!”

The train rounded a corner and disappeared out of sight.

“MY BULLSHIT?” Harry hollered. “I MARRIED YOU OUT OF PITY BECAUSE YOU WERE SO DESPERATE TO MARRY HARRY FUCKING POTTER AND BECAUSE DRACO, LUCIUS, RON, GEORGE, PERCY, BILL, CHARLIE AND YOUR FATHER WERE ALL UNAVAILABLE AND BECAUSE SEVERUS, SIRIUS, REMUS, ALBUS, CEDRIC, FRED AND TOM RIDDLE WERE ALREADY DEAD!  I LISTENED TO YOU BITCH AND WHINE AND MOAN FOR NINETEEN FUCKING YEARS AND YOU EXPECT ME TO HOLD DOWN A FUCKING JOB ON TOP OF THAT? DO YOU REALIZE THAT…?”

Harry looked around the platform momentarily. “Umm… is she gone?”

Ginny nodded, taking another swig of firewhiskey.  “How far d’you think she’ll get this time?”

“Hogsmeade?” Harry suggested.  He lit another cigarette.

“I think she’ll make it to the Great Hall,” Ginny said.

Harry put his arm around his wife.  “So how much time does that give us?” he asked. 

“At least a few hours,” Ginny replied, grabbing Harry’s cigarette and taking in a long puff of smoke.  “Do you want to… um…”

“Fuck?” Harry suggested.

Ginny glowered at him.  “Your so crass, Harry.”

“I know, honey,” he smirked.  “So it’s now or never, isn’t it?”  

Ginny nodded.  “But I’m not using Polyjuice this time,” she warned.

“You don’t want to be Malfoy?” Harry asked, surprised.  “But I plucked five fresh hairs when I smacked him for insulting Victoire!”

Ginny shook her head adamantly.  “He’s balding,” she said.  “You should really send those hairs back with an apologetic note and a roll of duct tape.”

Harry frowned.  “How about Severus?” he begged.  “COME ON!  He had a full mane!”

“He’s been dead for almost two decades,” Ginny replied. 

“That hasn’t stopped us before,” Harry insisted. 

“HARRY JAMES POTTER!”

Fin

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